Sega Dad
Andrew Thorp
9/27/09

BILL

Bomb the bastards. That’s what I would do.

ED

It’s a game where you fight penguins, Dad. There aren’t any bombs.

BILL

Well, maybe that’s why you’re losing.

ED

The point is to save your fish babies from the Penguins. Fish don’t have bombs.

BILL

I guess that’s why we are at the top of the food chain and they swim in their own poop.

ED

You don’t play video games right. They are supposed to be fun.

BILL

Having to protect your babies from predators is one of the least fun things I can think of, son. Whoever made that game is barking up the wrong tree if they think that's fun.

ED

It’s just a game.

BILL

Until people die.

ED

People don’t die in the game, Dad. Penguins do. And fish babies. It’s not real.

BILL

People die, son. People die every day. It just depends on how you die that natters.

ED

(to door)

Mom, Dad is going Afghanistan again.

MOM (offstage)

Leave him alone , Bill!

BILL

Me for instance, I die, you and your mom cry; not so bad. But, if someone comes in here, rips you out of your bed, molests you and cuts off your fingers and toes before they kill you, a lot more people would be sad. That’s because you are younger and less deserving of such an act.

ED

Mom!

MOM (Offstage)

Bill!

ED

You think somebody could get in here?

BILL

People can do all kinds of stuff, Eddy. I’ve seen it happen.

ED

Even kids with their toes cut off?

BILL

Toes, legs, tinkle twigs, you name it.

ED

But why?

BILL

There’s a lot of crazies out there son. I don’t know.

ED

Oh.

BILL

Well, enjoy saving your baby fishies, Son.

ED

Dad, can you turn on the light?

BILL

Sure thing.

Bob leaves and Eddy tries to get comfortable in his own room. As he starts to get comfortable and concentrate on his game, Bob bursts in, pretending to be a killer.

ED

Ahhh! I hate you Dad.

BILL

What? It was just a game.

A Crazy masked killer appears in the window.

ED/BILL

Ahhh!

MOM

(taking off mask)

Bill, I told you to leave him alone.

(Lights.)

Driving with Dad.

Driving with Dad

Andrew Thorp

September 20^th, 2009

Allen

(unbuckling seat belt.)
Good drive, son. You did good.

Brad

(Unbuckling seat belt.)

Thanks.

Allen

Last time…

Brad

Last time was last time.

Allen

It happened. It's important to remember.

Brad

And I fixed it this time.

Allen

Doesn’t take away the fact.

Brad

She lived, didn’t she?

Allen

She did. Never be the same, but she lived.

Brad

(Sarcastic)

Thanks for the reminder.

Allen

Didn’t mean anything by it.

Brad

Either way, thanks for it.

Allen

Okay.

Brad

That’s just like you, you know?

Allen

‘Just like me’ what?

Brad

It’s just like you to bring me down on a good day. I finally did something well and you are right there to chop me back down.

Allen

I am not trying to chop you down, Josh. That’s just what happened.

Brad

Well, you cheated on Mom. That happened.

Allen

That did happen.

Brad

And that wasn’t an accident. That continued to happen and happen and happen-

Allen

-That’s enough.

Brad

Sorry. I am not trying to ‘chop you down’.

Allen

Get out of the car.

Brad

I’m dropping you off.

Allen

You’re not dropping anyone off with that attitude.

Brad

The plan was I drop you off and go get Grace. You know that.

Allen

Plans change Josh.

Brad

You can’t do that just because of what I said.

Allen

I think I did.

Brad

I hate you.

Allen

Get out of the car

Brad

No, you get out.

Allen

I paid for this Honda. Get out of the car, Josh

Brad

You!

(They try to push each other out of the car. Without success, they eventually stop, breathing heavily.)

Allen

Good drive today.

B

Thanks.

(Lights.)

A Romantic at Heart

Brock Hits on a Doc

Andrew Thorp

Sept. 14^th, 2009

BROCK

I didn’t know pretty girls like you worked in places like this. I’m sorry, I’m not trying to pick you up or nothing. I am one of the last guys who tries out one-liners on girls. You’re way too beautiful for one-liners, anyways. It’d take me a paragraph. No, I’m joking; I'm the kind of guy that wants to start a relationship and shit, you know? With communicating, and dinners, and, kids and shit. That’s who I am. That’s why I am cursed, too. What? You think it’s easy looking like me? Girls look at me and they just want to have sex. They look at me and see a guy that will fulfill their every sexual desire, which I will, don’t get me wrong, but, I want more than just amazing sex. And people just don’t respect that.

And I have tried dating, don’t get me wrong. My ex Tanya was crazy. She always thought I was cheating on her, like she could just look in my eyes and tell or something. And the funny thing is I hardly ever cheated on her. That’s why I couldn’t trust her. I kept having dreams that she was going to cut my dick off when she found about Sarah, or Heather, or whoever. The bottom line…you can’t be in a relationship that doesn’t have trust. What? Sure.

(Pulls boxers down around thighs.)

This is a first. So, if things come back negative, do you want to go grab a bite to eat sometime, Doctor...?

(Lights)