Saturday, June 5, 2010
These guys hate the English
American
Andrew Thorp
TIM
Look at him there, just talking like he owns the place.
JIMMY
It's a bar, TIM. Why do you hate the guy so much?
TIM
Well, I don't know Jimmy, maybe it's his stupid accent, or his smarmy attitude, or maybe that he is English.
JIMMY
Do you have a thing against the English?
TIM
Hell yeah I do. Don't look, he is looking. Cubs, huh? Another shitty season. Dick. He better look away.
JIMMY
You really hate that guy.
TIM
It was only two hundred and something years ago that these assholes were trying to take over our land.
JIMMY
Loves Park?
TIM
No, the United States. Coming in here with their red coats and high taxes. I mean, who in the hell do they think they are!
JIMMY
Now he is looking.
TIM
I don't even care. (in a crappy accent) Oh, I think I will make a kettle of potato chips won't I?
JIMMY
Are you making fun of his accent?
TIM
They always end their sentences with questions like that. "Aren't they. Isn't she". It's like they have no self-confidence.
JIMMY
Okay. Now he is staring. Can we make this a normal night, please?
TIM
Well, we won the goddamned war and that's all that matters.
A small man with a sharp purple jacket approaches JIMMY and TIM
POMP
Hello, Gentlemen.
JIMMY and TIM
Hi.
POMP
As I was enjoying a Shirley Temple at the tavern counter afar, I noticed a look of unpleasantries upon me from this very table.
JIMMY
What?
TIM
He is saying we were giving him dirty looks.
POMP
I assure you sirs, I have no ill will towards either of you. I simply joined you in hopes of passifying any future situations that may be less than exemplary.
JIMMY
Sounds good to me.
TIM
When you put it that way, I agree completely.
POMP
I am delighted that we have come to an understanding! Barkeep, please fetch a beverage for these two lads. On my tab! If you will excuse, I must reacquaint myself with those lovely ladies. Cheers.
TIM/JIMMY
Cheers!
Pomp exits
JIMMY
Now, that wasn't so bad was it?
TIM
Now you are ending your sentences with a question. Those slimy bastards.
Lights
Andrew Thorp
TIM
Look at him there, just talking like he owns the place.
JIMMY
It's a bar, TIM. Why do you hate the guy so much?
TIM
Well, I don't know Jimmy, maybe it's his stupid accent, or his smarmy attitude, or maybe that he is English.
JIMMY
Do you have a thing against the English?
TIM
Hell yeah I do. Don't look, he is looking. Cubs, huh? Another shitty season. Dick. He better look away.
JIMMY
You really hate that guy.
TIM
It was only two hundred and something years ago that these assholes were trying to take over our land.
JIMMY
Loves Park?
TIM
No, the United States. Coming in here with their red coats and high taxes. I mean, who in the hell do they think they are!
JIMMY
Now he is looking.
TIM
I don't even care. (in a crappy accent) Oh, I think I will make a kettle of potato chips won't I?
JIMMY
Are you making fun of his accent?
TIM
They always end their sentences with questions like that. "Aren't they. Isn't she". It's like they have no self-confidence.
JIMMY
Okay. Now he is staring. Can we make this a normal night, please?
TIM
Well, we won the goddamned war and that's all that matters.
A small man with a sharp purple jacket approaches JIMMY and TIM
POMP
Hello, Gentlemen.
JIMMY and TIM
Hi.
POMP
As I was enjoying a Shirley Temple at the tavern counter afar, I noticed a look of unpleasantries upon me from this very table.
JIMMY
What?
TIM
He is saying we were giving him dirty looks.
POMP
I assure you sirs, I have no ill will towards either of you. I simply joined you in hopes of passifying any future situations that may be less than exemplary.
JIMMY
Sounds good to me.
TIM
When you put it that way, I agree completely.
POMP
I am delighted that we have come to an understanding! Barkeep, please fetch a beverage for these two lads. On my tab! If you will excuse, I must reacquaint myself with those lovely ladies. Cheers.
TIM/JIMMY
Cheers!
Pomp exits
JIMMY
Now, that wasn't so bad was it?
TIM
Now you are ending your sentences with a question. Those slimy bastards.
Lights
Breaking Up In a Restaurant
Take-Out
Andrew Thorp
(Jo and Ken sit at a table, food in front of them)
JO
Nothing in common, to be honest.
KEN
Nothing?
JO
I wish we did.
KEN
Wish?
JO
It would make it easier, wouldn’t it?
KEN
For who? You think this was easy for me?
JO
Honestly?
KEN
Yes.
JO
I don’t care.
KEN
Fucking bitch.
JO
Still.
KEN
Now what?
JO
I guess you leave?
KEN
Me? I brought you to this place. I introduced you to this place.
JO
And I like it.
KEN
Well, too bad.
JO
Yeah?
KEN
So?
JO
I don’t think so.
KEN
What?
JO
Well, John.
KEN
What about him?
JO
He likes me. He would probably rather you go.
KEN
It doesn’t fucking matter. I introduced you.
JO
What does that have to do with me?
KEN
Fucking bitch.
JO
And I repeat.
KEN
Who does this like that?
JO
I guess me. I don’t mean to. But I do.
(JOHN Enters)
JOHN
Did you call for me?
JO
No. Not really.
KEN
Jo just broke up with me, John.
JOHN
On no.
JO
Yeah.
JOHN
You two are my favorite customer.
KEN
That is what we are fighting about.
JO
Who gets to stay.
JOHN
Both of you are always welcome here.
KEN
That isn't going to work-
JO
-Not possible, I am afraid.
KEN
I think you have to pick JOHN.
JOHN
Can we sprit up the day? Ken, you get Monday, Wednesday, and Friday-
JO
That won't work.
KEN
It's more of a pride issue than anything.
JOHN
(Singing to the audience)
Being a restaurant owner, it can be so hard.
What would life like if I didn't have this Job? Woah-oh-oo-oah.
KEN
JOHN, you gotta pick, bro.
JOHN
I pick Jo. Pretty single girls attract more customer. Sorry.
KEN
Damn!
JO
Yes!
(Lights)
Andrew Thorp
(Jo and Ken sit at a table, food in front of them)
JO
Nothing in common, to be honest.
KEN
Nothing?
JO
I wish we did.
KEN
Wish?
JO
It would make it easier, wouldn’t it?
KEN
For who? You think this was easy for me?
JO
Honestly?
KEN
Yes.
JO
I don’t care.
KEN
Fucking bitch.
JO
Still.
KEN
Now what?
JO
I guess you leave?
KEN
Me? I brought you to this place. I introduced you to this place.
JO
And I like it.
KEN
Well, too bad.
JO
Yeah?
KEN
So?
JO
I don’t think so.
KEN
What?
JO
Well, John.
KEN
What about him?
JO
He likes me. He would probably rather you go.
KEN
It doesn’t fucking matter. I introduced you.
JO
What does that have to do with me?
KEN
Fucking bitch.
JO
And I repeat.
KEN
Who does this like that?
JO
I guess me. I don’t mean to. But I do.
(JOHN Enters)
JOHN
Did you call for me?
JO
No. Not really.
KEN
Jo just broke up with me, John.
JOHN
On no.
JO
Yeah.
JOHN
You two are my favorite customer.
KEN
That is what we are fighting about.
JO
Who gets to stay.
JOHN
Both of you are always welcome here.
KEN
That isn't going to work-
JO
-Not possible, I am afraid.
KEN
I think you have to pick JOHN.
JOHN
Can we sprit up the day? Ken, you get Monday, Wednesday, and Friday-
JO
That won't work.
KEN
It's more of a pride issue than anything.
JOHN
(Singing to the audience)
Being a restaurant owner, it can be so hard.
What would life like if I didn't have this Job? Woah-oh-oo-oah.
KEN
JOHN, you gotta pick, bro.
JOHN
I pick Jo. Pretty single girls attract more customer. Sorry.
KEN
Damn!
JO
Yes!
(Lights)
Babies
"Babies"
Andrew Thorp
CAST
AARON – 30’s
TRACY – 30’s
ADAM – 20’s
JESS – 20’s
(AARON rings door buzzer as TRACY messes with her dress. They wait outside a door. ADAM opens door.)
AARON
Little brother.
ADAM
Took you long enough.
AARON
Sorry. Traffic. Can we come in?
TRACY
Where’s the baby?
ADAM
Not so fast.
(JESS enters holding baby and sits.)
AARON
Don’t get me wrong, I love the smell of your neighbors Goulash and all, but can we get out of this hallway?
JESS
The baby doesn’t like sarcasm.
ADAM
Have you guys been smoking cigarettes?
TRACY
No.
AARON
Meth doesn’t count, right? Oops, sarcasm.
ADAM
Clean the house today?
TRACY
Our house? We picked up a little. Mostly his trash as usual.
ADAM
Did you use any cleaning supplies?
TRACY
Not that I remember.
AARON
And why does this matter?
ADAM
We try to avoid chemical-soaked fingers fondling our Baby.
JESS
It absorbs through baby pores
TRACY
Babies do have sensitive skin.
AARON
Thank you, Trace; I would be lost without you. Seriously, the Goulash is making me nauseous.
JESS
The baby doesn’t like negativity.
ADAM
( Hands purex to TRACY)
Put this on your hands.
TRACY
Okay. I can’t wait to hold him.
ADAM
(Takes out spray.)
Spin.
AARON
Do I smell?
ADAM
Neutralizes contaminants
AARON
He shits all over himself. I’m sure my contaminants won’t hurt.
JESS
ADAM?
ADAM
She warned you about the negativity.
AARON
Yes, Officer.
(AARON Spins as ADAM sprays.)
TRACY
(entering)
We brought him a baby toy.
(Slow motion as TRACY crosses to baby, reaches in her purse for toy and begins to hand it to Baby. ADAM makes slow motion leap to take toy away from TRACY.)
JESS/ADAM
[slow motion]
No!
ADAM
[Normal speed] (Jerks toy away.)
I’ll take that.
(ADAM sprays TRACY. She coughs. He then tests the toy by taking it apart and sticking it in his mouth. He chokes and coughs it out. He sprays her again.)
ADAM (Continued)
Nice try.
AARON
Enough with the spraying.
TRACY
I had no idea. I am so sorry.
ADAM
Of course you didn’t. You’re not a parent. It’s not as easy at it looks.
TRACY
I know.
JESS
You never know who might murder your children.
AARON
Murder?
ADAM
Intentionally or not, we don’t take any risks.
TRACY
Can I hold him now?
AARON
Have you been reading an OCD parents guide to baby care, or something? You guys are freaking out a little bit.
ADAM
We don’t think so.
Jess
We don't think so.
AARON
Don’t you remember us as kids, ADAM? Mom would let the dog babysit us. We played in mounds of dirt and ate shit off the ground on more than one occasion, for Christ’s sake.
TRACY
Can I hold the baby, now?
JESS
Times have changed. There are a lot more dangers today.
AARON
Like what? Crazy parents who won’t let their kids be kids?
ADAM
He is too young to be a kid. He doesn’t know any better than to hurt himself.
TRACY
I want to hold the Baby!
(There is a big pause. Then the baby starts to cry.)
ADAM
I am going to have to ask you to leave.
JESS
We trusted you.
ADAM
We trusted You!
(Lights)
Andrew Thorp
CAST
AARON – 30’s
TRACY – 30’s
ADAM – 20’s
JESS – 20’s
(AARON rings door buzzer as TRACY messes with her dress. They wait outside a door. ADAM opens door.)
AARON
Little brother.
ADAM
Took you long enough.
AARON
Sorry. Traffic. Can we come in?
TRACY
Where’s the baby?
ADAM
Not so fast.
(JESS enters holding baby and sits.)
AARON
Don’t get me wrong, I love the smell of your neighbors Goulash and all, but can we get out of this hallway?
JESS
The baby doesn’t like sarcasm.
ADAM
Have you guys been smoking cigarettes?
TRACY
No.
AARON
Meth doesn’t count, right? Oops, sarcasm.
ADAM
Clean the house today?
TRACY
Our house? We picked up a little. Mostly his trash as usual.
ADAM
Did you use any cleaning supplies?
TRACY
Not that I remember.
AARON
And why does this matter?
ADAM
We try to avoid chemical-soaked fingers fondling our Baby.
JESS
It absorbs through baby pores
TRACY
Babies do have sensitive skin.
AARON
Thank you, Trace; I would be lost without you. Seriously, the Goulash is making me nauseous.
JESS
The baby doesn’t like negativity.
ADAM
( Hands purex to TRACY)
Put this on your hands.
TRACY
Okay. I can’t wait to hold him.
ADAM
(Takes out spray.)
Spin.
AARON
Do I smell?
ADAM
Neutralizes contaminants
AARON
He shits all over himself. I’m sure my contaminants won’t hurt.
JESS
ADAM?
ADAM
She warned you about the negativity.
AARON
Yes, Officer.
(AARON Spins as ADAM sprays.)
TRACY
(entering)
We brought him a baby toy.
(Slow motion as TRACY crosses to baby, reaches in her purse for toy and begins to hand it to Baby. ADAM makes slow motion leap to take toy away from TRACY.)
JESS/ADAM
[slow motion]
No!
ADAM
[Normal speed] (Jerks toy away.)
I’ll take that.
(ADAM sprays TRACY. She coughs. He then tests the toy by taking it apart and sticking it in his mouth. He chokes and coughs it out. He sprays her again.)
ADAM (Continued)
Nice try.
AARON
Enough with the spraying.
TRACY
I had no idea. I am so sorry.
ADAM
Of course you didn’t. You’re not a parent. It’s not as easy at it looks.
TRACY
I know.
JESS
You never know who might murder your children.
AARON
Murder?
ADAM
Intentionally or not, we don’t take any risks.
TRACY
Can I hold him now?
AARON
Have you been reading an OCD parents guide to baby care, or something? You guys are freaking out a little bit.
ADAM
We don’t think so.
Jess
We don't think so.
AARON
Don’t you remember us as kids, ADAM? Mom would let the dog babysit us. We played in mounds of dirt and ate shit off the ground on more than one occasion, for Christ’s sake.
TRACY
Can I hold the baby, now?
JESS
Times have changed. There are a lot more dangers today.
AARON
Like what? Crazy parents who won’t let their kids be kids?
ADAM
He is too young to be a kid. He doesn’t know any better than to hurt himself.
TRACY
I want to hold the Baby!
(There is a big pause. Then the baby starts to cry.)
ADAM
I am going to have to ask you to leave.
JESS
We trusted you.
ADAM
We trusted You!
(Lights)
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