Babies

"Babies"
Andrew Thorp

CAST
AARON – 30’s
TRACY – 30’s
ADAM – 20’s
JESS – 20’s


(AARON rings door buzzer as TRACY messes with her dress. They wait outside a door. ADAM opens door.)

AARON
Little brother.

ADAM
Took you long enough.

AARON
Sorry. Traffic. Can we come in?

TRACY
Where’s the baby?

ADAM
Not so fast.

(JESS enters holding baby and sits.)

AARON
Don’t get me wrong, I love the smell of your neighbors Goulash and all, but can we get out of this hallway?

JESS
The baby doesn’t like sarcasm.

ADAM
Have you guys been smoking cigarettes?

TRACY
No.

AARON
Meth doesn’t count, right? Oops, sarcasm.

ADAM
Clean the house today?

TRACY
Our house? We picked up a little. Mostly his trash as usual.

ADAM
Did you use any cleaning supplies?

TRACY
Not that I remember.

AARON
And why does this matter?

ADAM
We try to avoid chemical-soaked fingers fondling our Baby.

JESS
It absorbs through baby pores

TRACY

Babies do have sensitive skin.

AARON
Thank you, Trace; I would be lost without you. Seriously, the Goulash is making me nauseous.

JESS
The baby doesn’t like negativity.

ADAM
( Hands purex to TRACY)
Put this on your hands.

TRACY
Okay. I can’t wait to hold him.

ADAM
(Takes out spray.)
Spin.

AARON
Do I smell?

ADAM
Neutralizes contaminants

AARON
He shits all over himself. I’m sure my contaminants won’t hurt.

JESS
ADAM?

ADAM
She warned you about the negativity.

AARON
Yes, Officer.

(AARON Spins as ADAM sprays.)

TRACY
(entering)
We brought him a baby toy.

(Slow motion as TRACY crosses to baby, reaches in her purse for toy and begins to hand it to Baby. ADAM makes slow motion leap to take toy away from TRACY.)

JESS/ADAM
[slow motion]
No!

ADAM
[Normal speed] (Jerks toy away.)
I’ll take that.

(ADAM sprays TRACY. She coughs. He then tests the toy by taking it apart and sticking it in his mouth. He chokes and coughs it out. He sprays her again.)

ADAM (Continued)
Nice try.

AARON
Enough with the spraying.

TRACY
I had no idea. I am so sorry.

ADAM
Of course you didn’t. You’re not a parent. It’s not as easy at it looks.

TRACY
I know.

JESS
You never know who might murder your children.

AARON
Murder?

ADAM
Intentionally or not, we don’t take any risks.

TRACY
Can I hold him now?

AARON
Have you been reading an OCD parents guide to baby care, or something? You guys are freaking out a little bit.

ADAM
We don’t think so.

Jess

We don't think so.

AARON
Don’t you remember us as kids, ADAM? Mom would let the dog babysit us. We played in mounds of dirt and ate shit off the ground on more than one occasion, for Christ’s sake.

TRACY
Can I hold the baby, now?

JESS
Times have changed. There are a lot more dangers today.

AARON
Like what? Crazy parents who won’t let their kids be kids?

ADAM
He is too young to be a kid. He doesn’t know any better than to hurt himself.

TRACY
I want to hold the Baby!

(There is a big pause. Then the baby starts to cry.)

ADAM
I am going to have to ask you to leave.

JESS
We trusted you.

ADAM
We trusted You!


(Lights)