The Bulls Win!

Bulls Win!

Andrew Thorp

August 28, 2009( Version 2)

CAST

Frank – 20's

Tony – 20's

Samantha 20's

Nurse - 20'50's

(Lights up on Fred pacing around the veterinarian lobby. He is on the cell.)

Frank

(talking on cell.)

Well, Rainbow wouldn’t be at the Vet if you would have kept him instead of making me, Mom; I can hardly take care of myself. He didn’t seem good. I don’t know.

(Tony enters with Samantha)

Frank

Mom, Tony just got here so we will call you later.

Tony

Where do they have Rainbow?

Samantha

Is he okay?

Frank

He wasn’t looking so good. He just kept shaking and making this weird sound.

Tony

What sound?

Frank

(Tony makes a sad cat sound for a somewhat long period of time)

Tony

Were you feeding him beer again?

Frank

Of course not; he’s eighteen years old. He's ten months sober.

Samantha

You got your cat drunk?

Tony

He liked it. Broke up his day.

Frank

Well, it's not that.

Samantha

Maybe he’s having a seizure or something.

Frank

It didn’t look good. That’s all I’m saying.

Nurse

Mr Higgins?

Tony/Frank

Yes?

Frank

Sorry, we’re brothers.

Nurse

Rainbow didn’t make it.

Tony

He what?

Frank

He’s not?

Nurse

I’m sorry. We did everything we could. He was an old cat. Would you like us to take care of the disposal or-

Frank

-No, we will take him from here. Thanks

Nurse

I will get everything ready.

Samantha

Why not let them do it?

Frank

It costs extra. Shit.

Tony

How about that Bulls game, huh?

Frank

What?

Tony

The game; they fired it in at the buzzer.

Frank

Sorry, Tony, but the cat we grew up with just died. Didn’t you hear her?

Tony

(acting out moves)

Gordon takes the pass from Deng , fakes it and dumps a three.

Samantha

Come on, Tony, don’t. He gets like this when things get too hard to handle. Bulls are his crutch.

Tony

(acting out basketball player)

You need to get out my face fool, I’ll break your ankles.

Samantha

Tony, leave him alone.

Tony

Come on, Hon, you have to admit that the Bulls have a chance at a championship this year; they just need to work the boards.

Frank

Tony, Rainbow is dead. Will you stop trying to box me out?

Tony

As dead as your game, white boy. To the zone!

(Tony jukes around Frank and stops in front of the entering Nurse.)

Nurse

(holding towel wrapped cat.)

Would you like us to bring him to your car, or?

Tony

(shocked)

No. We can just, uh-

Frank

I will take him. Thanks.

Tony

(playing defense on Frank as Frank holds rainbow)

Derrick Rose, four-seventy-three at the line; two-fifty-nine at the point-

Samantha

Tony?

Tony

Nine hundred and twenty seven on the year with two thousand fourteen minutes played.

Frank

Tony, he’s dead. It’s okay.

Tony

(starts humming count down.)

Duh na na na Duh na na na Duh na-

Samantha

He usually gets to the third quarter and comes back to his senses.

Tony

(continuing)

Na na Duh na duh na na na

Frank

This is ridiculous. Tony!

(Tony takes the cat from Frank and breaks a move to the hoop. He does a slow motion dunk, Jordan style, and dunks the cat in to the trash can.)

Tony

Bulls win! Bulls win! Bulls win!

(Tony looks for a high-five and slowly comes back to his senses lights fade.)

Does this work as a cigarette commerical?

COPS 2

Andrew Thorp

August 23^rd, 2009

version 3

CAST

Tim - Chicago Cop

Joe - Chicago Cop

Billy - Little Boy

BOB - Chicago Lieutenant

Neighbor Bill - Loud neighbor

(Lights up on a bare room. Tim, Joe and Billy enter. Tim and Joe smoke. If filmed, Billy is the camera and the others speak to it.)

Tim

And this is where your mother was murdered. Hard to take in, I am sure. Want a New King?

(Tim offers Billy a New King cigarette. Billy (camera) shakes no.)

Joe

It’s not much to look at right now, but you can imagine the horrid events that took place as you take in the blood splatter and skull chunks on the wall over there.

TIM

The whole shebang.

Joe

The whole bloody shebang. She was a fighter though, Billy. No doubt about it.

Tim

No doubt about it, your mother was a fighter. Her knuckles were all busted up and some of her fingernails were missing.

Joe

Definitely gave the guy a good, “Who’s your Mother”.

Tim

I will smoke a smooth New King to that.

Joe

Me too. You know these have less tar than the original New King?

Tim

I did not know that. New King?

(He offers Billy another cigarette. Billy shakes no.)

Tim (Cont'd)

If it were me, I would have picked another boy's mom to stalk, tie up, throw in the back of a trunk, and eventually slowly mutilate; that's for sure.

Joe

Wouldn’t a’ laid a finger on your mom.

Tim

Not a finger. Not like this guy did anyway. If you look over here, you can see a big hole in the wall towards the bottom. This is where we speculate your ma gave the perp a swift one to the good and plenty’s.

Joe

That’s just a speculation though. Some theories believe that he threw her against the wall before the big Slicey Mish Mash party to the Noodle.

TIM

Damn, Joe, now you got the kid all teary-eyed with that 'Mish Mash party' talk.

Joe

Sorry, kid. If it makes you feel any better, she went real quick, no doubt about it.

Tim

No pain, Billy, I promise. Real quick. And smooth. Like a New King.

(Bob enters looking at a report)

Bob

Report just in boys, our victim died real slow and felt the whole Slicey Mish Mash party to the-.

Joe

-C’mon , Bob. We got the kid with us.

Bob

Ah, damn, sorry guys. Sorry kid, fuck. She probably didn’t feel a thing.

Joe

Not a thing.

Tim

Real quick, Billy.

Bob

The blood-curdling screams the neighbors heard were probably just birds or something.

JOE

Damn pigeons. Always with their blood-curdling chirp-screams.

(Neighbor Bill can be heard offstage from a window stage right.)

NEIGHBOR BILL

Hi, it's me the neighbor who heard everything. I can hear everything you guys are saying due to our windows being so close together. And it was definitely a lady's voice I heard.

TIM

Okay, thanks.

NEIGHBOR BILL

And she was definitely screaming.

BOB

We got it.

NEIGHBOR BILL

And it was definitely blood curdling.

JOE

Okay! We got it! We got the kid here, sir!

NEIGHBOR BILL

Glad to help guys. If it's any consolation, the lady seemed like a real hoochie momma, if you know what I mean. Always had guys over-

JOE

-I said we got the kid here!

NEIGHBOR BILL

Oh sorry. Real good lady, she was. Real nice. See ya.

Bob

Hells bells. Did anybody offer the kid a New King?

(Bob, Tim, and Joe all reach for their packs and offer Billy a New King.)

V.O.

New Kings; there when you need it. New Kings; now with less tar than the original New Kings.

(Lights)

This won the "Best Beer commercial with a handicapped guy" of 2005

BROUGHT TO YOU BY BEERSONS
Andrew Thorp
8.24.09

CAST

(ANDREW, DREW, KEVIN, V.O)

A BOTTLE OF BEERSONS IS VISIBLE. AS THE CAMERA PANS BACK, ANDREW’S HAND CAN BE SEEN HOLDING THE BEER. PANNING FURTHER BACK, ANDREW’S FACE AND WHOLE ARM BECOME NOTICEABLE. HOLDING ON TO ANDREW’S ARM, DREW VISIBLY HELPS ANDREW’S BOTTLE TO HIS MOUTH. THE BEER SPILLS DOWN ANDREW’S FACE AS THE FURTHER PANNING OF THE CAMERA REVEALS THAT HIS SHOULDERS ARE ATTACHED TO STRAPS THAT ARE HUNG FROM A DOOR. THESE STRAPS ARE HOLDING ANDREW UP BECAUSE HE IS HANDICAPPED.

ANDREW

Thanks Drew. You are the coolest cousin ever.

DREW

No Problem, cuz.

DREW SLAPS ANDREWS SHOULDER AND THE BEER FALLS TO THE GROUND

DREW (CONT’D)

Oh shit. I’ll get that.

AS DREW BENDS TO PICK OVER THE BOTTLE, THE DOOR THAT ANDREW IS ATTACHED TO OPENS. ANDREW IS SLAMMED IN TO THE WALL AS KEVIN ENTERS

KEVIN

Hey guys, I brought Beersons!

DREW POPS UP WITH FOAMY BEERSONS IN HIS HAND.

DREW

All right!

V.O

Beersons never misses a party.

THE DOOR IS CLOSED AND ANDREW IS STILL ON HIS STRAPS. SLIGHT NOSE BLEED.

ANDREW

I love this stuff.

Meet Mr Taskins. He knows Disease.

Toilet Seats

Andrew Thorp

8/23/2009 (v.2)

(Mr. Taskins holds a slide show changer.)

Mr Taskins

(Image: STD on Flesh)

STD’s on the genitals. You can laugh now, but you get one of these buggers on your gobble-di-gooks and you won’t be laughing long. Or, ever again for that matter because most of the time they don’t go away. Take a good hard look, kids because one out of five of you is going to end up with this pack of wolves eating at your flesh. My name is Mr. Haskins. Wear condoms.

(Image: Toilet seat)

Toilet seats. These do not give you STD’s.

(image: Preppy guy)

But this guy might. Yeah, he looks real nice with his big smile and nice polo, but people with STD’S can be anybody and they are not your friend. Do not trust people. Wear Condoms.

(image:Mosquito)

Will not give you and STD.

(Image: Dog)

Depends on your relationship.

(Image: Mother holding B-day cake)

This is a mom. Mom’s don’t have STD’s, right? Wrong. She looks real sterile baking a nice Pumpkin cake and wearing an apron. The mom everyone wants, right? But little do you know that this woman may have been something evil. A groupie in her twenties. She may have been eager to have relations with anyone ‘in’ with the band. Men like

(Image: Rocker)

Or

(Image: another Rocker. This repeats 12 or so times in silence)

(Sarah stands from the audience)

SARAH

I hate you, Dad!

Mr Taskins

Please don’t go. Wait. Maybe this woman had a 20-year love affair with a band member and didn’t happen to tell her husband or kids.

(Image: Sarah, Mr. Taskins, Johnny)

Johnny stands from the audience

JOHNNY

You’re such a dick!

(Johnny runs off)

MR. TASKINS.

I love you, Johnny. Please don’t go. Maybe this woman-

( Image: Mom with cake)

Mr. Taskins

-Broke her family into little pieces when she gave her unknowing husband a one of a kind souveneir from 'Cheap Trick'. A cheap trick indeed.

(Image: STD on flesh – repeat of 1^st image)

MR TASKINS

That's right kids. That is my genitalia. And this was my home. And my wife. And my kids. And my happiness.

(Images: multiple pictures of families happy times with the last couple of empty house and Mr. Taskins crying. As Mr. Taskins clicks he fails at holding back tears.)

Mr Taskins

Wear Condoms.

(Lights)

Mr.Taskins fights back

I Can Be in a Rock Band: Mr. Taskins

Andrew Thorp

8/23/2009

Mr. Taskins holds a guitar. As he plays, it becomes obvious that he isn’t very good. The italicized lyrics are soft and the bold lyrics are loud.

Mr. Taskins

Hi guys. Some of you may know me as the Middle School Educator on Sexual Relations. But, today, I am just a guy at a coffee shop playing a song. This song is called ‘I Can Be a Rock Star Too’. This one goes out to my ex-wife, the woman who ripped my heart from my chest and gave me gonorrhea.

Sarah stands from the audience

SARAH

I hate you, Dad

Sarah exits

Mr. Taskins

Yeah, I know.

“ So, you want a man that can make you dance. A man that can make you move.

Who really wants a man that can provide for you and always be honest and true?

I can rock! I can Rock like a Billy Goat

I can rock! Rock until I get scabs in my throat!

I can wear tight leather pants.

And get a cool snake tattoo.

I can drink until the morning light and tell the world fuck you.

And I can Rock! I can Rock just like Cheap Trick!

I can rock! I can rock and drop acid in the hole of my dick!

So, maybe, when you get married again

And ruin some other guy’s life

Remember that I can rock real hard

And have a new and better wife.

You suck Patricia Cohen.

Thank you.

(JOHNNY stands and speaks as he leaves)

JOHNNY

You suck, Dad.

Mr. Taskins

See you on Saturday, John.

(Lights)

T.V is for the Clowns...

T.V.

Andrew Thorp

6/28/2009

Amanda is watching a clown on T.V. The Clown exits through the screen and starts begins performing magic tricks.

AMANDA
Dad. The T.V is acting funny.

POPS (Offstage)

What do you want me to do about it?

AMANDA
Fix it.

POPS (O.S)

Give me a bloody scabbin’ minute, Amanda.

(The clown mimics POPS. AMANDA laughs.)

POPS (O.S)

(under his breath)

For the love of Jesus. Can’t get a finagling thing done…

(As POPS voice gets closer, the Clown Dives back in the T.V. POPS enters)

POPS (cont’d)

Now, what’s wrong?

AMANDA
The T.V was funny.

POPS
What do you mean, funny? What’s wrong with the God blessed thing?

AMANDA
The Clown. He came out.

(As POPS delivers his next line, the clown in the T.V. starts to mimic him.

POPS

Amanda, I gotta fix the Jee-Hiving Dishwasher before your Mom gets back from Church. If I don’t get this fixed, I am not gonna hear the end of it for blooming week.

AMANDA

(Laughs)

POPS

Now, you are testing my god-given patience, young lady.

AMANDA

I’m sorry Dad.

(As POP exits, Clown starts to come out. There is a see-saw relationship as POPS almost leaves and comes back to speak.)

POPS

(comes back)

Aw, Jeez, you know I love you, Amanda.

AMANDA

I know.

POPS

(Comes back)

And I want you to be happy.

AMANDA

I know.

POPS
I will be in the kitchen making lunch.

AMANDA

Okay.

(POPS leaves and the clown exits the T.V. and performs a couple more tricks. The tricks become more dangerous. One of the tricks the clown does involves plates. The Clown fails in catching them during a trick and everything crashes to the ground. The Clown dives into the T.V. just as POPS runs back in_

POPS

What in Christmas is happening in here?

AMANDA

It wasn’t me, Dad.

POPS
Those are your Mom’s favorite china, Amanda Scott.

AMANDA

I didn’t do it.

POPS

You better get yourself a broom right now and clean up this mess Young Missy. And that’s an order.

AMANDA

But I didn’t do it, Dad. I swear.

POPS

I have had it up to here with your gamey-games, spud. You march in that kitchen and get to broomin’.

(The Clown tosses a broom from the T.V.)

POPS (Cont’d)

What the Holy fire?

(POPS turns to the T.V. The Clown keeps performing as in front of a camera.)

POPS (Cont’d)

You see that?

AMANDA

Uh-huh.

POPS (Cont’d)
What the Gangrene is going on in here.

(POPS knocks on the TV screen and it is a solid screen.)

POPS
Head on out to the car, Amanda. I think we need to get some fresh air.

(The Clown grabs POPS waist and POPS jumps away and turns around. The Clown squirts water at POPS. AMANDA uses the remote to change the channel. Thriller begins playing and a character resembling a dead Michael Jackson (1958-2009) appears. Pops and Amanda cream and run offstage. Sorry about the reference. Something deep inside made me do it )

Gym Memberships and You!

Membership

Andrew Thorp

8/22/2009

Version 2

(Aaron guides Barry on stage.)

Aaron

And this is the locker room. As you can see, we offer a state-of-the-art steam room and sauna.

(Naked men with towels hiding their genital pass by)

Naked Man #1

Hey Aaron

AARON

Hi guys! Do you see yourself using the sauna or Steam room facilities to reach your goals?

Barry

I don’t know. Like I said, I still have a couple of other places to look.

Aaron

Super great. Why don’t we take a seat here for a second.

BARRY

I have to be going. My kid is-.

AARON

-Barry, it seems to me that you appreciate all that X-Factor Fitness has to offer.

(JOE enters and lifts his leg on the bench and begins to dry himself.)

Barry

Sure.

Aaron

But, I am sensing that something is keeping you from investing one hundred percent in reaching your goals.

(DAVE enters and stands next to Barry and begins to take off his clothes. Dave and Joe change very close to one another. Barry is slightly disturbed)

Barry

The truth is, I just don’t want to commit to a club when I haven’t seen all of the options. Can we talk about this upstairs?

Aaron

No one would want to make a decision without seeing all of the options first. In fact, they would be stupid not to. But, you trust me, right?

Barry

Sure.

Aaron

Super Great, Barry, because one of the requirements of my job is to review our competition to see what they have to offer and I can guarantee you, Barry, there isn’t a facility in town that has more state-of-the-art amenities at a lower price than X-Factor Fitness. Especially when you take in to consideration the discount we offer potential members on their first visit, which is today.

Barry

Like I said before, I can’t commit to anything today.

AARON

A-OK, Barry. I completely understand your concerns. In fact, we may be able to extend that initial visit special. Since I don’t have the authority to do it myself, let me check with my boss. Hey, Joe?

Joe

Yeah, Aaron?

AARON

This is Barry Whittington and he is a potential X-Factor Fitness member. Since he wants to check out other facilities, is there a chance that we can offer Barry an extension on the initial visit special?

Joe

What’s going on Barry? Can’t make the commitment to invest today?

BARRY

No, Joe, I can’t.

Joe

Let’s be honest, Barry, is it the price that is making you second guess your decision to reach your goals?

BARRY

Like I said, I want to check out a couple of other places.

JOE

Is it the wife? She makes the money and runs the show?

BARRY

I want to check out other places.

JOE

Is it your weight, Barry? Is that why your wife hates you?

BARRY

I want to check out other places!

JOE

I completely understand your concerns, Barry, but did you know that one of the requirements of my job is to review-

BARRY

-The competition, I know. I am just going to review it myself, though, okay. That’s what I said I was going to do and that’s just what I am going to do guys. Sorry.

JOE

Super great.

Aaron

Super great.

Joe

Super great. I would love to offer you an extension on our initial visit special, but I do not have the authority to do that. Let me ask the regional manager. Dave?

DAVE

Yes, Joe?

JOE

This is Barry Whittington. He is interested in becoming an X-Factor Fitness member and wants to check out other facilities. Is it possible to extend his initial visit special?

DAVE

Nice to meet you, Barry. Did Aaron tell you about the State-of-the-Art Sauna and steam room?

BARRY

Yes.

DAVE

Did Joe call you fat?

BARRY

Yep

DAVE
And that your wife is cheating on you?

BARRY

Sure.

DAVE

We’ve done all we can do guys. Good day, Mr. Whittington.

BARRY

I can go?

DAVE

Absolutely. Tell Joan to make you a complimentary smoothie on your way out.

(Dave playfully whips Joe with his towel.)

Joe

Hey.

BARRY

What about the initial visit special?

DAVE

You can use it any time.

BARRY

Really?

DAVE

That’s just something we say to get you to sign up as soon as possible.

BARRY

So I can check out Planet Gym and come back any time?

DAVE

Check out Fitness Mania too. They have nice facilities at a great price.

BARRY

I like your honesty. I want to be a member.

DAVE

Aaron, will you help Barry with the paperwork upstairs?

AARON

Sure thing

(AARON and BARRY exit)

JOE

I don't know how you do it, Dave, but it works every time.

DAVE

You'll learn some day, kid. Just stick by me. Would you like to have sex in the state-of-the-art Steam room?

JOE

Sure thing.

(Slow motion High Five and light out.)

Why girls don't like us...

Wingmen

Andrew Thorp

7/12/2009 (v.3)

Cast

Andrew - Egotistical

Kevin – Unaware of his voice volume

Matt – Straight Man

Kim – Straight Woman

Kim

And that’s why girls aren’t funny.

(Everyone laughs)

Kevin

Well, Matt, thanks for the Doritos and other great Pepsi products. We are going to be leaving now.

(Kevin exaggerates a wink)

Andrew

Leaving? I’m just getting started.

(Andrew eats a chip in celebration)

Andrew (cont’d)

Cool Ranch is my favorite.

Kevin

(Special nod)

We are going to leave because we are tired.

Andrew

I slept all day. I’m good. These go great with Romantic Comedies, right Kim? Right?

Kevin

Andrew, can I talk to you for a minute?

(Kevin drags Andrew to the kitchen. Kim and Matt sit awkwardly.)

MATT

How is your Dad’s recovery?

KIM

Great.

KEVIN (O.S)

Damn it, man. Don’t you see what I am trying to do here? Matt is in need of a woman’s affection and he needs it bad.

ANDREW (O.S)

By the looks of it, he doesn’t have a chance because she was screwing me with her pupils.

KEVIN (O.S)

Look at how sad he is without a woman. Look at his face.

(Andrew’s head is forced around the corner with Kevin’s hands holding it there. His head disappears.)

ANDREW (O.s)

Ow.

Kevin (O.S)

Now, the only way Matt is going to feel her warm embrace is if we get out of here and give them a little privacy.

(Andrew and Kevin enter and sit.)

Andrew

(Pouting.)

I guess we are going to go.

Kim

I’m going, too. Big day tomorrow.

Kevin

No, you stay.

Andrew

Yeah, don’t mind us.

Matt

Guys, I really don’t care.

Kevin

No, you guys enjoy yourselves. We have to catch up on a lil shut eye.

Andrew

If she wants to go home, though…

Kevin

She can stay.

Andrew

But if she wants to go she is on my way-

Kevin

She wants to stay.

Andrew

But, she said that-

Matt

Guys, really, it’s not a big deal. This is getting really uncomfortable.

Kevin

Matt, this isn’t about you, okay. Andrew, can I speak with you?

(Kevin Drags Andrew off)

ANDREW

He even said, Kevin, he really doesn’t care.

KEVIN

Of course he cares. How couldn’t he? You think someone that looks that miserable wouldn’t care? Did you see his face?

Andrew

Yeah, I-

(Kevin forces Andy’s head to look again. Again, he retreats.)

Andrew

Stop doing that to my face.

Kim

(Begins gathering her things)

Okay, I’m leaving now.

Matt

Thanks for coming over.

Kim

Thanks for having me.

(They hug awkwardly. She crosses to exit.)

Kevin

I’m telling you Andrew, if you mess this up for Matt, I’m, going to be real pissed off.

Kim

Bye guys

Andrew/Kevin

Bye.

Andrew

All I’m saying is, if she wanted to sleep with him, she wouldn’t have been telecommunicating all of those things she wants me to do to her. It was obvious.

Kevin

Did you see the pain in Matt’s eyes? Did you see the tortured soulless pain? Look!

Andrew

Your hands are warm.

(Their heads peek around the corner.)

Kevin

Look at the desperation in his pupils. Where’d she go?

Matt

She left.

Andrew

Did you give her my number?

(Matt sadly eats a Dorito)

(Lights.)

I don't know how you remember your relatives...

Grandpa

Andrew Thorp

8/17/2009

v.2

Cast

Mom: 40’s

Dad: 40’s

Johnny: Mom and Dad’s son. Preteen

Grandpa: 80’s. Old Country. Dying. Dracula like?

Mom
Get in there and say goodbye to your dying Grandpa, Johnny.

Johnny
He scares me.

Mom
That is your Grandpa, Johnny. You do not say that about Grandpa on my carpet. (Cries)

Dad
He fought for this country, boy. Show him some respectacles. That's respect for the huge balls he has for saving American lives.

Johnny
Okay

(As Johnny walks to the door, the lights get weird and Johnny’s heartbeat can be heard. Mom's line “You don't say that about your Grandpa.” and Dad's “ Show him some respectacles.” keep repeating. He stumbles as he goes. He opens the door and it slowly creaks open. Grandpa is in a bed, asleep. Johnny walks in and sits by him. There is a silence as Johnny begins to get comfortable.)

Grandpa
Johnny!

Johnny
Ah!

Grandpa
I saw Satan just now.

Johnny
Hi Grandpa.

Grandpa
Did your Mom tell you what the Doctor said?

Johnny
No.

Grandpa
He said I can beat the heart disease if I could just get new veins for my heart. My veins, you see, Johnny, are too old. But, new veins could save me. You know where they have new veins, Johnny? In little boys.

(Grandpa motions for Johnny to come closer. Johnny does.)

Grandpa
In little boys, like you!

Johnny
Ah!

Grandpa

Give Grandpa your veins, Johnny. Give Grandpa your veins so I can live!

(Johnny runs out of the room to a mother that is still crying.)

Dad
What the hell is going on?

Johnny
Grandpa wants my veins.

Dad
Grandpa! In which war did you protect our country?

Grandpa

The second one!

Dad

Ten hut! Now, you get down there and be a grateful American, scout, or I will show you Grandpa's pictures of him and all the dead he killed.

Mom

(Crying)

Not on the carpet.

Johnny

Okay

(The heartbeat, strobe, etc. starts again. Mom is saying 'Burber' and Dad plays a militant song on the gazoo. Johnny sits and Grandpa isn’t moving. Long silence.)

Grandpa
Johnny!

Johnny
Ah!

Grandpa
That time I just wanted to scare you. That's for not helping Grandpa live. Some people help other people not be in pain. Have you ever been in pain , Johnny?

Johnny
Yes.


Grandpa
My pain hurts, Johnny. I can’t stand up, it's hard to breath, my face goes numb every time I get an erection. Could you imagine?

Johnny
No.

Grandpa
You can help me end the pain, Johnny. You can be a hero. Just like your Grandpa. You see this pillow?

Johnny
Yes.

Grandpa
You take this pillow, Johnny, and you put it on my face. If you push hard enough, it will help me
not feel pain anymore. Would you like that?

Johnny
No.

Grandpa
I would like that Johnny and that's what matters. I'm the one with the purple heart. All you have is milk mustache. Do it or I will tell your parents you like boys.

(Slowly and reluctantly, Johnny takes this pillow.)

Grandpa
Now, put it in my face Johnny. And push real hard. It will be over before you know it.

(Slowly and reluctantly Johnny does. Grandpa cues him as his voice is muffled. Grandpa starts to struggle as the strobes and
heartbeat start again. Grandpa stops struggling.)

Johnny
I am sorry Grandpa. I love you.

(He hugs Grandpa. Silence.)

Grandpa
Johnny!

Johnny
Ah!

(Johnny runs out of the room)

Grandpa
Grow some balls! Haha!

(Lights)

Do you hate Vegetarians?

(Tray and Hill eat burgers and fries at a fast food restaurant)

Tray:
They don't make em the same as they used.

Hill
They changed the oil, I think. The frickin' vegetarians got all in a hissy fit.

Tray:
Vegetarians ruined my fries?

Hill
Yeah. They were using grease that they used with meat and they threw a fit.

Tray:
Fucking Vegetarians.

Hill
Fucking vegetarians.

Tray:
I don't go around messing with their tofu, do I?

Hill
Or their frickin' veggie burgers.

Tray:
They think they own the world.

Hill
Everyone does.

Tray
we should show them a thing or two.

Hill
You're telling me.

Tray
Take away something they like so much.

Hill
Yeah?

tray
But what, though? They seem to hate everything.

Hill
Not animals.

Tray
That's right.

Hill
What can we do to animals, though? Besides eating them?

Tray
Molestation?

Hill
Are you crazy? We would get arrested. What would our kids think?

Tray
robbing them?

Hill
robbing them. Hmm. Like a ranson or something. If you don't stop ruining our food, the bunny is going to die.

Tray
That's not illegal, right?

Hill
Maybe. Unless, it's food. You can kill animals if you eat them.

Tray
Yeah.

Hill
We can make our demands and if they aren't met we will make rabbit stew for all of the homeless in america.

Tray
Kill all the bunnies

Hill
Every last one of them

Tray:
You think we can get sponosored?

Hill
Sponsored?

Tray
By a company or something. Like Pepsi? We mitght get a lot of hits by fellow carnivores.

Hill
Maybe Tyson?

Tray
No, they treat their animals unethically.

(Lights.)

SCENE TWO
(Tray and Hill are running around at night with nylons on their head.)

Tray
I swear, I see those little fuckers out here every night.

Hill
Maybe they knew we were coming.

Tray
Their frickin bunnies, Hill, they don't have esp.

Hill
There's one. Nope just a homeless man

Homeless man
Hey guys!

Tray
we can't just stay in one area. csi will tell you you got always be moving around. Like stagnant water brings the mosquitos.

Hill
There's no bunnies at my house.

Tray
There's got to be a place that has tons of these fuckers.

Homeless Man
try the park. City rabbits like the luscious grass varietals.

Tray
Thanks, old man. You bums aren't so bad after all.

Homeless Man
I'll suck your dick for ten bucks

(lights)

SCENE 3 (teh Ransom you tube video)

Hill
Look at that. That's right. A frickin bunny. And there are a hundred more where he came from. So, all you vegetarians out there, you better listen up. My man, Tray, has got something to say about the way you think you own the world.

Tray
You can't say my name, dude.

Hill
sorry

The cut the camera. It turns back on

Hill
You see that? That's a innocent little bunny about to get slaughtered because vegetarians think they own the world. Right Tray? Shit.

Camera Cut. Back on

Hill
I am gonna cut this mother fucker if you vegetarians don't listen up. My man 'uh' is gonna educate you on something.

Tray
Hey vegetarians, my name is Tray and I am pissed. Damn it. This is hard

SCENE 4

(We see video of the bunny and then a knife coming close to its face. cut to hill and tray with nylons on their heads as they threaten the bunny. Words pop up on the screen as the video goes from bunny to tray and hill.

TEXT
Listen Vegetarians. This is a bunny. He and 100 of his little bunny friends will be killed in two weeks if you all don't start backing off meat eaters. That's right. You keep ruining things like fries and the bunnies get it. It's not illegal either because we are going to feed it to homeless people. Innocent. Bunny. Stew. Brought to you by "?". Please contact us if you would like to sponsor us. Tray Ford: 774-898-6963

A nice little scene about Father/Son bonding

Fishing
Andrew
Thorp
6.15.09
Version #2

Cast

Bob - Jimmy's Dad
Jimmy – Preteen. Smug
Jim the Turtle
Birdy
Fish

Toady and Frog

(Jimmy and Bob sit with fishing poles that hold large styrophome bobbers at the end. During the course of the scene, they cast bobbers into the audience. Bob is, now, preparing the poles)

Bob

Now, the one majorly important thing you have to remember, when fishing, Jimmy, is have fun!

Jimmy

Lame.

Bob

When I was a tadpole like you, your Grandpa used to bring me out here every weekend. There was always something nature taught us.

Jimmy

Retarded.

(Bob casts and a 'boink' sound effect is heard.)

Jimmy (Cont’d)

Stupid.

Bob

Why don’t you give your pole the old cast-a-roo, Jimmy.

Jimmy

I’m gonna play DS.

Bob

As soon as you flick your pole, the magic happens

JIMMY

What magic?

BOB

The magic of waiting! Not doing a thing in the world but sitting in a boat and waiting. Sounds fun, huh?

Jimmy

Super Gay.

(Jimmy hands Bob his pole.)

Bob

Why don’t you give her a try, Jimmy. For good ol’ Grandpa.

Jimmy

Fine.

(Jimmy casts carelessly and it plops close by.)

Bob

Way to go, Jimbo! All right! That’s the spirit.

(Jimmy goes back to his video game)

Bob (Cont’d)

Now, the key is to be extra quiet. You don’t want to scare nature away.

(While Jimmy continues to play DS, a world of activity begins. Fish swim by and wave. Ducks ‘Quack’ As they pass and wave to BOB. Jim the Turtle enters from behind audience. With every step, Jim makes sounds)

Jim the Turtle

Dup da Dup da Dup da Dup.

(Jim the Turtle sees Bob. He stops for a second and then waves. Bob waves back. Bob tries to silently get Jimmy’s attention but Jimmy is mesmerized by the game.)

Jim The Turtle

Hiya, Bob! Long time no see da-dup!

BOB

Hi Jim the Turtle! This is my son.

JIM THE TURTLE

Seems like he doesn’t care much about nature.

BOB

Well, you know, kids these days!

JIM THE TURTLE

Okay, Bob, da dup. I will see you later.

(As Turtle leaves, a pair of toads appear and come close to Bob.)

Toady

Hey Bob.

Fro

Yeah, hey, Kriiiiiike.

TOADY

No reason to mock me.

Fro

Yeah, no reason to mock him, Kriiiiiike.

BOB

Hi guys. How’s the old Happy river treating you?

TODAY

Not bad. Freaking Catfish still think they run the place.

FRO

Catfish, Kriiiike.

TOADY

On my last Nerve, this one is.

BOB

Nothing changes, huh?

TOADY

Nothing does.

FRO

Yeah,-

TOADY

-Zip it. I have had just about enough of you. What’s up with the kid, Bob? Seems like a real dud.

BOB

That’s my boy. He is playing video games. It’s all the rage.

TOADY

It looks bad for the eyes. Gotta go, Bob. That big eagle is coming. Tell your kid to get a life or somethin.

Fro

Yeah, get a life, Kriiiiiike.

TOADY

I told you I was gonna drop you off at the pad if you kept that crap up and I meant it.

(Toady and Fro hop off just as a screeching is heard and Eagle flies down from above. He screeches again.)

BOB

Hiya baldy!

EAGLE

Screech.

BOB

Well that’s nice to hear. Give the young bride my best.

EAGLE

Screech.

BOB

That’s my son.

EAGLE

SCREECH

(EAGLE descends low enough to snatch Jimmy’s DS and he slowly ascends until he is off stage after one last screech. Jimmy is petrified)

BOB (Cont’d)

He can be a little cranky sometimes.

JIMMY

That was an eagle, Dad.

BOB

That’s right son, a real eagle. Now, I think it’s time we had a little talk. A talk about where babies come from.

(Lights)