Why girls don't like us...

Wingmen

Andrew Thorp

7/12/2009 (v.3)

Cast

Andrew - Egotistical

Kevin – Unaware of his voice volume

Matt – Straight Man

Kim – Straight Woman

Kim

And that’s why girls aren’t funny.

(Everyone laughs)

Kevin

Well, Matt, thanks for the Doritos and other great Pepsi products. We are going to be leaving now.

(Kevin exaggerates a wink)

Andrew

Leaving? I’m just getting started.

(Andrew eats a chip in celebration)

Andrew (cont’d)

Cool Ranch is my favorite.

Kevin

(Special nod)

We are going to leave because we are tired.

Andrew

I slept all day. I’m good. These go great with Romantic Comedies, right Kim? Right?

Kevin

Andrew, can I talk to you for a minute?

(Kevin drags Andrew to the kitchen. Kim and Matt sit awkwardly.)

MATT

How is your Dad’s recovery?

KIM

Great.

KEVIN (O.S)

Damn it, man. Don’t you see what I am trying to do here? Matt is in need of a woman’s affection and he needs it bad.

ANDREW (O.S)

By the looks of it, he doesn’t have a chance because she was screwing me with her pupils.

KEVIN (O.S)

Look at how sad he is without a woman. Look at his face.

(Andrew’s head is forced around the corner with Kevin’s hands holding it there. His head disappears.)

ANDREW (O.s)

Ow.

Kevin (O.S)

Now, the only way Matt is going to feel her warm embrace is if we get out of here and give them a little privacy.

(Andrew and Kevin enter and sit.)

Andrew

(Pouting.)

I guess we are going to go.

Kim

I’m going, too. Big day tomorrow.

Kevin

No, you stay.

Andrew

Yeah, don’t mind us.

Matt

Guys, I really don’t care.

Kevin

No, you guys enjoy yourselves. We have to catch up on a lil shut eye.

Andrew

If she wants to go home, though…

Kevin

She can stay.

Andrew

But if she wants to go she is on my way-

Kevin

She wants to stay.

Andrew

But, she said that-

Matt

Guys, really, it’s not a big deal. This is getting really uncomfortable.

Kevin

Matt, this isn’t about you, okay. Andrew, can I speak with you?

(Kevin Drags Andrew off)

ANDREW

He even said, Kevin, he really doesn’t care.

KEVIN

Of course he cares. How couldn’t he? You think someone that looks that miserable wouldn’t care? Did you see his face?

Andrew

Yeah, I-

(Kevin forces Andy’s head to look again. Again, he retreats.)

Andrew

Stop doing that to my face.

Kim

(Begins gathering her things)

Okay, I’m leaving now.

Matt

Thanks for coming over.

Kim

Thanks for having me.

(They hug awkwardly. She crosses to exit.)

Kevin

I’m telling you Andrew, if you mess this up for Matt, I’m, going to be real pissed off.

Kim

Bye guys

Andrew/Kevin

Bye.

Andrew

All I’m saying is, if she wanted to sleep with him, she wouldn’t have been telecommunicating all of those things she wants me to do to her. It was obvious.

Kevin

Did you see the pain in Matt’s eyes? Did you see the tortured soulless pain? Look!

Andrew

Your hands are warm.

(Their heads peek around the corner.)

Kevin

Look at the desperation in his pupils. Where’d she go?

Matt

She left.

Andrew

Did you give her my number?

(Matt sadly eats a Dorito)

(Lights.)